Dear Tate - One Year Later

My blue-eyed boy,

A year ago today, I took - and "passed" - one of the most important tests of my life. It was on this day that your daddy and I learned you were growing inside mama's belly and would soon be gracing and changing our lives forever. On that fateful day, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and whispered to myself, "Oh, my..." over the amazing news I had just learned. Now, 365 days later, I cannot even begin to count how many times since that I've done just the same as I stared at you in wonder, so grateful to have you here with us now.

(iPhone tracking app entry from that day)

I remarked in my first post about the ride we were about to embark upon. I wasn't sure what was ahead of us or what to expect during my pregnancy. What I can tell you with certainty is that the ride was even more amazing than I could have ever hoped or asked for. Turns out, it was the kind that had me smiling so big my face hurt, forging new smile lines that I am proud to see now when I look in the mirror at the so-in-love mama you've made me.

It's been four months and three days since you were born, and in that short time I've become a more calm, centered person because of you. I often used to wonder if I would be an anxious mom, but the truth is you bring me so much comfort that I find myself now being able to set aside my worries and fears to just BE for the first time in my life. As long as I have your addictive head and sour cream breath to sniff, all is right in the world.

You are learning and doing so much these days; I find myself so excited to see what you'll do next. You are belly-laughing and reaching for toys to stuff into your mouth. You watch TV with a studied focus (oops?) and press the buttons to make your bouncy seat piano play music for you over and over again. You are drooling with gusto - doc thinks you might be teething already! - and try so hard to perfect your army crawl during tummy time. And just today you finally really noticed your fur-sisters (who love you very much and find you literally delicious with their licking) for the first time -- you heard Lucy bark at the mailman and then couldn't keep your eyes off her and Molly for minutes after. It felt like such a big moment, the start to a beautiful relationship between a boy and his dogs.

I was feeding you this afternoon as you drifted off to sleep when I got a tickle in my throat and coughed. The noise and movement caused you to jerk awake, and in that moment before your silent-cry turned into a hurt wail of confusion, I felt my heart break in two. I immediately pulled you into a hug and rocked you back and forth, whispering "there, there's" as I reeled over how completely terrible it felt to unintentionally scare you in that way. You see, my little one, it is mama's job to make sure you feel safe and loved, and in that moment I vowed - once again - to always do my best to make sure that's the case.

My 8-year career recently ended and I now have the privilege of spending all my days with you. While I only get paid in coos and drool, I can think of no job that is more important than the one I am doing. When I look back on my life years from now, I know I'll never think to myself, "Gosh, I wish I'd gotten a new job instead of taking some time to devote to my boy..." and it was this thinking that made me confident that staying at home with you was the right decision for me, for now. Besides, I really, truly think you are going to change the world some day, Tate. For what it's worth, you've already changed mine in more ways than I can count. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Forever grateful,

Your Mama

"Dear Tate" - A Letter From Mama

My sweet boy Tate,

It's hard to believe you've been in my life for two months already, but it's also hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that you haven't always been here.  When I try to remember life before you were in it, it's hazy and feels like a waste of my time, really.  The reality is that I'm a better person because of you, and I couldn't feel more blessed or proud to call myself your mama. 

You are smiling so much every day, rolling over and cooing.  You are a happy, content little boy that lets your grateful parents sleep (since day one!) and you rarely cry unless you really mean it.  Two things make you cranky: hiccups and burps - you ride out the former and loudly declare the latter.  You're a voracious eater and one of my favorite things is hearing you let out a satisfied, breathy "ahhhhh" as you pull away.  Speaking of eating, your fleshy little rolls grow rounder with each day, leaving me no choice but to smooch and gobble you up every chance I get. And your cheeks...oh your cheeks!  I'm pretty sure if we tried to fly with you, they would charge us an extra fee for those delicious cheeks of yours!

Your favorite thing is the fan; when you're grouchy and need a distraction, we walk you under Fanny the Fan and you instantly stop crying and stare intently.  You are thisclose to laughing, and I cannot wait until the day you finally do - I can only imagine it will be the sweetest sound my ears have ever heard.  You are a very strong baby and have been holding your head up since before we left the hospital.  You love looking out at the world and get bored if we aren't placing you up so you can see what's going on around you.  You also enjoy tummy time, to my surprise, and can be found inching along the blanket whenever we put you down. You have a need to go-go-go all the time - when you aren't waving your little arms and kicking your legs, it surely means you're sleeping.  I have a feeling we are in for a very busy time once you begin crawling and walking! 

Your daddy and I are beyond smitten with you - it's sort of pathetic really.  We used to go out to dinner, take in shows and movies, or meet friends out for drinks.  Now we are content to stay at home declaring you the cutest, smartest, best baby EVER - and I hope you know we really believe it's true.  Our number one priority is for you to always feel our love as we feel it...and we will spend every day from now until forever trying to show you how happy and fulfilled you make us and our life. 

Every day from here on, you will learn and do something new - you have given us so very much to look forward to, Tate.  You are the answer to our prayers and the reason why our smiles are bigger than ever these days.

Forever in love,

Mama

Four Weeks, One Million Smiles

My beautiful boy turns four weeks old tonight. How has it already been four weeks?! And, more importantly, how has it ONLY been that long since I first saw his face, when it feels like I've known and loved him forever?...

"Dear Tate" - A Letter From Mama

Dear Tate,

I was holding you just now while checking emails with one hand when I looked down in time to catch you giving the biggest smile I've seen from you yet.  And I swear, when I saw this, my heart stopped, my stomach did a happy flip, and tears sprung to my eyes.

"They" say newborn babies don't smile knowingly, but I'm calling "their" bluff.  There have been many times in the three wonderful weeks you've been in our life that I've begun talking to you or laughed after a bit of silence, only to be rewarded with a beautiful smile from you.  In that instant, I know you know me, that you remember being inside my belly hearing me talk and laugh during what was - up until now - the happiest time of my life.  This is why the tears show in these moments, my sweet boy.  Because now you are here and my life is filled with even more smiles.

Milk-drunk

I stare at you all day long, and cherish the early morning feedings with you the most.  All is quiet and you cuddle up to my chest and drink in what my body creates just for you.  You make little flying geese sounds as you suckle, and sigh contentedly as I pull you to my shoulder to burp you.  To the outside world it might not sound like much, but to me it's the most important thing I've ever done or will do.

You are my heart.  Until there was you, I was aware of only half my ability to love.

Forever yours,

Mama

100 Days to Go!

I've been so, so busy and have about 6 posts in my head just waiting to get written...  However, I couldn't let today go by unnoticed: We only have 100 days to go until our due date!!

With each day that passes, I feel Chickpea kicking harder and more frequently.  And with that, my happiness and excitement grows.  I can't wait (although I will - happily!) to meet this little one.  As we get closer, it gets more and more real, but I won't allow myself to take one minute or day for granted - I know just how immeasurably blessed we truly are...

Table for Two at the Gratitude Café

Today Mark and I celebrate our two-year wedding anniversary.  Two years ago today, I couldn't stop smiling.  I didn't have a nervous quiver in my stomach to speak of, and people giggled at me every time I would hop up and down with excitement about what I was about to do.  It was my favorite day, because I was there to marry my amazing, perfect-for-me best friend.

I've gushed about Mark before and talked about how happy I am with the life I've been given.  And yet, I don't think there are enough words in the world to truly convey how blessed and content I feel to have Mark in my life, to be able to call him my husband.  Thankfully, I have the rest of my lifetime to figure out how to express it to him in a way that measures up to the happiness he brings to my heart.

Last year, I made a video for Mark to commemorate our first anniversary.  I thought I'd share it with those of you who might not have been with us on that wonderful day or who haven't seen it yet (and yes, I totally just cried while watching it again...):

   

Amy & Mark's 1st Wedding Anniversary Montage from Amy B on Vimeo.

There was a time when I wondered if I would ever find someone to love me the way I was able to love - I worried that I might be too old to have children once I did find him.  I used to listen to a song that spoke to me, hoping that someday it would come true for me.  IT DID.  Two years ago today, Mark and I danced as husband and wife to that very song...and the meaning took on a new understanding.  I truly am The Luckiest.

Two years later, I'm so honored to be carrying within me a unique, amazing product of our love.  Five months from now,  everyone will be able to see for themselves just how powerful that love really is.  Thank you, Mark, for helping to complete the scattered, unfinished puzzle that was my life.  You were the piece I'd been looking for - dreaming about all along.  What a beautiful picture we have made together; I can't wait to add color and depth to it with each year I'm blessed enough to have you standing by my side.

Commitment is what transforms a promise into reality. It is the words that speak boldly of your intentions. And the actions which speak louder than the words. It is making the time when there is none. Coming through time after time after time, year after year after year. Commitment is the stuff character is made of; the power to change the face of things. It is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism.  ~ Abraham Lincoln

Mother's Day Came Early for Me

Today we had our 20-week ultrasound and appointment.  This was the one I was equally excited and nervous about.  You see, after the bleeding scare, we had a visit with the doctor to talk things over.  She suggested we opt for the round of blood tests that look for abnormalities.  We were originally going to skip this, since no matter what the results were, we would have kept the baby anyway, but she made a great point that it would enable us to secure a 12-week ultrasound scan that insurance otherwise wouldn't cover.  Naturally, we jumped at the chance to see the baby earlier as additional proof that things were OK despite the bleeding.  Today was the day we were to not only get our second - and last, as long as everything continues to progress well - ultrasound, but also the results from the multiple blood tests.

When you are carrying a baby, it's impossible not to worry and wonder if things are going well.  I try not to dwell on the things I can't change or control, but this is our baby! You can imagine my mind occasionally goes to "What If" Land.  But...today, we not only got to see Chickpea again, we also got a perfect report card for all of the tests - the results honestly couldn't have been any better.  WHEW!  I was practically walking on air on the way out, thinking to myself that this was the best possible Mother's Day gift anyone could ever ask for.

That, and these pictures of our wriggling, stubborn Chickpea (it took them a LONG time to get pictures of the face, and when the baby finally moved in place, the little one wouldn't stop moving!):

Profile 1 (head to left, looking up)

Profile 2 (look at the little arm up over the side of the head...at least I think it's the arm!?)

FOOT! Nom nom.

My personal favorite - side profile of a little hiney (to the right) with a curled-up frog leg!

  Thigh/Leg/Foot

This is of the face from straight-on.  Does anyone else think this looks a little like the button-eyed kids in Coraline? Hee!  We saw the baby in this position waving it's arms in the air like s/he just didn't care, too, and it was quite hilarious!  So far we know that Chickpea is very active, stubborn, and a comedian - who said you can't learn about your baby from ultrasounds? ;o)

The baby was measured at just over 14 ounces and 10 inches long.  Now we know why my belly popped so much in the last month.  Grow, baby, GROW!  20 weeks down, 20 (give or take) to go.  Also, they moved our due date up one day from September 23 to September 22!  My dad will be happy to know this, because he called that as our delivery day using the lunar calendar (a trick my grandma used that led to an uncanny record of correct birthday guesses).

And speaking of my dad, it's his birthday tomorrow!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, daddio!  We all love you so much -- Chickpea says s/he can't wait to meet you! (((HUGS)))

P.S.: One last thing...I know I'm rambling but I'm clearly on a high from having seen our sweet baby today.  When we walked into the scan room, they asked if we would be finding out the gender. We said no, and later were told that only about 10% of people these days don't want to find out if their baby is a boy or girl.  I was shocked!  C'mon, people...whatever happened to the element of surprise?!

To Grandma's House We Go

After trying for months to figure out how to upload videos from our new camera to the Mac, I succeeded! That means I can finally share with you the video that was taken (post about the day can be found here) when we told my mom, Carole, our baby news.  She is going to be so embarrassed that I shared this, but I'm pretty sure every one of you is going to fall in love with her if you haven't already.  Enjoy!


Going to Grandma's House from Amy B on Vimeo.

P.S. If you are having a hard time viewing parts of the blog right now, click here.  GRR!

More Than I Could Ask For

When I was in Indiana this past weekend, Carla/Yom and I were chatting when she told me that, while she's always viewed me as an upbeat person, I seem to have this happy glow about me right now.  It was nice to hear, because I feel that way - I just didn't know other people noticed.  "They" talk about how pregnant woman are glowy, how they have this special look about them.  I'm never sure if it's just something people say to be nice or if there is truth to it.  I can certainly attest to a feeling that is akin to a 'glow' within myself these days, though, and it's amazing.

It's hard to put into words, but what I told Carla was this: while I think I've always been (or tried to be) a "glass half full" type of person, when I met Mark, suddenly my glass felt completely full.  Now that we are expecting our first child, my glass feels like it is honestly overflowing.  It's, by far, the happiest time of my life.  Sure, there has been a scare and some unknowing times these past four months, but those make the other times that much sweeter in retrospect.

As I mentioned in my first post, this is a ride I'm on (along with Mark, of course!), but I also don't have access to the steering wheel this time.  My life is on autopilot and for the first time, I feel pretty O.K. with that.  In the past, I would let my anxiety rule, preventing me from either getting things done to stave off the anxiety or keeping me from enjoying the journey I was on.  This time, that's not an option - it's not just about me anymore.  And that realization gives me a new kind of power...one that seems to be lighting me from inside out.

Relief

Yesterday we had our 12-week ultrasound.  I was naturally pretty nervous going there, since this was to be the first time seeing the baby since the bleeding scare.  I was also super excited!  Originally, we weren't going to do an early ultrasound (which includes a nucal screening to check for Down Syndrome and blood tests to look for other complications) since it wouldn't have mattered if the results showed problems - we are having this baby no matter what!  But when we went in after the E.R. visit, our doctor thought it might give us some added reassurance to see the baby earlier than the typical 19-20 week ultrasound, so we hopped at the chance to see Chickpea again.

I had to drink a TON of water beforehand, so by the time we got to the doctor's office, I was literally hopping from foot to foot, trying not to embarrass myself with a pants-wetting experience.  They brought us into the room and I said to the tech, "So, are you the one I'll be trying not to pee on?" She didn't think I was very funny.  Hrrrmp.  ANYWAY, she pulled my pants lower, squirted my stomach with warm ultrasound gel, and got to work.  Within seconds, we could see our baby moving around with a strong heartbeat.  Sweetest sound EVER!  It was such a relief to see and hear.  And this time, unlike the E.R. visit (protocol and such), we got to take home pictures to adorn our fridge!  Would you look at that sweetheart?

Judging from the size of the head, it's gonna be a smart one...don't you think*?  ;o)

*Juuuust kidding! At this stage, the babies head is supposed to be as big or bigger than the body.  But as the mom, it's in my nature to make these complimentary assumptions, right?

Four Years = A Lifetime of Difference

Four years ago today, Mark entered my world and rocked it in a way I never would have expected.  By the time he came into my life, I think I was finally at a place where I felt like I deserved someone like him, but I certainly didn’t believe I’d actually be able to find him.  However, if I would have put into words then what I thought I wanted in my 'forever person,' I certainly would have short-changed myself.  You see, I never would have thought to wish for a love so perfect and good.

In four years’ time, my life has become unrecognizable.  Not one thing today, aside from some family and friends, remains the same as it was the day my handsome, kind, blue-eyed husband walked into view and changed the way I look at the world.

 How cute is that? He was slightly mortified when I asked him to pose with this as we 

shopped for baby books, but he indulged me anyway. LOVE HIM!

I don’t have to tell you Mark is my favorite person – that’s a given.  I believe one can see that written all over my face when I look at him.  Truth is, I have the honor of being a wife to the best, most all-encompassing human being I’ve ever had the pleasure to know. I still find myself staring into space, wondering how I got so lucky, how in the world it ended up being me he chose to love for the rest of his life. Even when life isn’t perfect, I still have the knowledge that when I walk through the door of our home, there is a person waiting for me, willing and able to help me get through anything that may come.  I know it might sound cheesy to say, but I honestly DO think I have the best husband in the entire world.  Here are a few reasons why (grab your barf bucket now; I’m about to lay it on thick!):

• He is thoughtful and kind and has a selfless, unfaltering heart;
• he teases me in a loving way which has taught me how to laugh at myself;
• he’s a most ethical and moral person, yet he never judges me, even when I judge myself;
• he makes me feel safe…his hugs are a refuge;
• he makes me laugh, sometimes even when I’m crying;
• he is able to settle me down when I’m angry, without compromising the issue that made me upset in the first place;
• he’s the smartest person I’ve ever met and always knows something about something – without being arrogant;
• he is a great listener but also offers great advice;
• he’s a giver, not a taker;
• he takes such great care of me and our puppies and works exceedingly hard to provide a great life for us;
• he never falters in his support for me and our life together;
• he treats me as an equal, yet towers over me in every way in my own mind;
• BEST OF ALL: he somehow loves me just the way I am – and reminds me of this love and admiration in little ways every single day.

And now, four years later, I am 5 & a half weeks pregnant with our baby. Knowing this makes my heart feel as if it could burst.  I can think of nothing more sacred and amazing than bringing someone into this world that shares Mark’s genes, who will someday offer more of the good he brings to this life. I won’t lie – I still feel like it’s a dream, me being able to carry that gift within me for the next months and eventually bring it into the world.  I hope I never take any of these blessings for granted.  I couldn’t ask for much more, and for that, I’m beyond grateful.

Happy four-year ‘dating’ anniversary, Mark.  I love you…so much.

And So It Begins…

I slept in today, which is what anyone with a paid day off should do.  For some reason, though, the second I woke up I thought, “I’m going to take a pregnancy test today,” and that’s just what I did.  I wasn’t expecting positive results.  We’ve only been trying for two months, after all.  So when the test quickly presented two lines, I couldn’t believe it.  I stared at my face in the mirror and breathlessly said, “Oh my…” and happy tears promptly sprung to my eyes.

 Mark and I write messages to each other on our bathroom mirror; 
the heart with 'love' you see in the mirror is one of them.

At 33.5 years old, I’ve spent plenty of time wondering about the man I would someday marry and the baby I would someday carry, both of whom I’d love more than life itself.  When Mark – my soul mate – came into my life, I found myself daydreaming about what our baby would look like.  I hoped it would have his chin dimple, and envisioned blonde hair and laughing, blue eyes.  At the same time, though, I also internally worried a lot about how hard it might be for me to conceive.  Being a mother is something I’ve known I wanted to do for a very, very long time - and when you want something badly enough, it almost seems inevitable that it would be hard to come by…right?

So when I saw those two pink lines, I must admit I felt disbelief.  Sure, I was happy enough to yell out to my puppies, sitting there staring up at me, “Girls, you might have a little brother or sister soon!”  Still, I was just skeptical enough to run to the store and buy a two-pack of pregnancy tests and pee on a second stick in the bathroom of Meijer, too.  OH, YES I DID.  I had plans to have lunch with a friend in less than an hour and knew I couldn’t truly enjoy myself if I didn’t know the truth beforehand.  Once again, those two lines instantly leaped up at me and I did a happy dance right there in the stall.  I quickly drove to Baby Gap and bought a teensy, tiny onesie that said ‘I *heart* Daddy,’ then went to lunch, lying through my teeth to my friend about how baby-making was going.

Later that night, I rolled up the stick with the two pink lines into the onesie – tying it with a bow – and put it back into the Gap bag.  I did this so Mark would think it was a random present, since we occasionally pick up little prizes for each other during errands.  He was lying in bed, getting ready for sleep, when I sat down beside him and handed him the bag.  It felt slightly reminiscent of our engagement day, actually, when he woke me from a deep sleep early one morning with a sweet card, red rose, and shiny diamond ring in hand.  On that day, I had no idea my life was about to change so much.  And on this night, he had no idea his was about to change even more.  As I handed him the bag, he tested the weight and said, “This doesn’t seem very big!” It took everything in me not to say, “Oh, trust me, it’s BIG!”  He took out the onesie and untied the bow.  And then, suddenly, he looked very confused.  Silly me; why did I think he would know what a pregnancy test looked like?  After asking several jumbled questions such as, “What’s this?…Is it a…test? What…?,” his face broke out into a huge smile and he said, “Oh baby, this is SUCH great news!!”  And then he practically hugged the little – yet oh-so-big – onesie before cradling me in his arms.

Now I sit here wondering about the ride on which we are about to embark.  What kind of ride will it be?  Will it be like a roller-coaster, with its thrilling ups and scary downs?  Or will it be more like a lazy Sunday drive through the country during which time we slowly pass by farms and dream about someday having a house on twenty acres with baby ducks swimming in a pond?  Truth is, I love both prospects equally.  And I plan on enjoying this ride, no matter what is in store for us.

One thing is for certain: this baby is already immeasurably loved and desired.  I’m in awe over the fact that as I type this, I’m in the beginning stages of growing a one-of-a-kind person, a unique being that only Mark and I were able to create together.  And with that realization, my outlook and life has instantly changed.

I can’t wait to know you, precious little one.