Dear Tate - 10 Months

Dear sweet bubba,

As I type this, we are in your room surrounded by a sea of books and toys you've been playing with all morning...but you're presently trying to hang from the end table next to me in an attempt to investigate what I'm doing. You're so curious and smart; you blow my mind every hour of every day. Beneath those expressive eyebrows (just like your mama's), behind your beautiful blue-blue eyes (just like your daddy's), I see you learning and understanding so much of the world already and it makes me so, so excited about what the future holds for you and us.

You are a very active little guy, never sitting still for long. You are kind of over crawling - something you perfected months ago - and are instead intent on walking around furniture and pulling yourself up on everything - even if it's a small toy on the floor. You constantly grab things off tables and open drawers to chew on the new things you find; you keep mama very busy! I'm sure you will be walking soon, so it might be time for me to shine up my running shoes!

You play well on your own -- chattering away the whole time -- and occasionally you will stop to take time to cuddle with me for a minute, which absolutely melts my heart. And although you are very independent for a little guy, if I leave you in a room by yourself for a minute, you holler in discontent or start spitting angrily like a camel (which is what you do when you're mad...it's quite hilarious, actually). The bond we have is so wonderful. And your dad? Well, he is the coolest, funniest person in the whole world as far as you're concerned, and I totally agree.

You are so easygoing and rarely cry, making it very easy for us to take you out and about. I find it almost embarrassing how far we can push you, be it past your bedtime or feeding schedule (not that we do this often - you eat and nurse on the go in the Ergo), before you will fuss. You also have a crazy high tolerance for pain; when you fall or bump your head on something, you just give a look like, "What was THAT all about?" and then get right back up with no tears. I hope these tendencies mean you are going to be a very adaptable person when you get older.

Oh, are you ever silly - we have so much fun! You love mimicking the things we do, putting toys on your head when daddy does, smacking your lips when I do, and playing chase & giggling with gusto when we catch you. You play peekaboo with blankets and stand on your head, and you recently started blowing kisses - a trick we didn't even teach you! When music comes on, you dance and wiggle your little behind in step with the beat. When I say "Cheeeeese!" you get the biggest cheesy grin on your face, showing all 6 of your cute teeth. You kiss yourself in the mirror with tongue, wave and high-five when prompted and also give zerberts/raspberries, after which point you will laugh and laugh over how clever you are.

I know I already said you are smart, but really... If you get your silly side from me, you get your smarts from your brilliant daddy. I'm almost afraid of the day you become smarter than me; what will I do then?  I recently took a baby sign-language class so we could better communicate with you. The other day as I was feeding you, you suddenly started doing the sign for 'milk' and I was blown away. How quickly you learn, my boy! You repeat words/sounds we say and are already up to five spoken words now: mama, dada, hi, bye and ball. When your daddy comes home from work at night you break out into a smile and breathlessly say, "Hi dada! Hi dada!" while waving at him. I think 'dog' might be your next word, because when you see Molly or Lucy, you excitedly say, "Deh! Deh!" 

Speaking of your pups, you love them so much and they love you in return, letting you crawl on and "pet" them (we are working on being gentle so you don't aggravate them too much). One rainy day about a month ago, I let the dogs in and you went over to Lucy and draped yourself over her. When I noticed you putting something in your mouth and then taking it out to look at, I went to investigate. What I found was a little shocking, my boy...it was a SLUG that my precious baby had just taken off the dog! Thank goodness bugs don't gross me out, because you are ALL BOY. I have a feeling this is just a sign of things to come.

We are in the midst of planning your first birthday party, something that took me a while to accept. How are you already over 10 months, TaterBug? I swear I was just dressing you in the long-sleeved kimono t-shirt we stole from the hospital (shhh...don't tell!), and now you are larger than life and well on your way to imprinting the world with your amazing gifts. The future is yours, Tate...I have no doubt you will shine.

I love you times a million and two,

xoxo Your proud mama

Dear Tate - One Year Later

My blue-eyed boy,

A year ago today, I took - and "passed" - one of the most important tests of my life. It was on this day that your daddy and I learned you were growing inside mama's belly and would soon be gracing and changing our lives forever. On that fateful day, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and whispered to myself, "Oh, my..." over the amazing news I had just learned. Now, 365 days later, I cannot even begin to count how many times since that I've done just the same as I stared at you in wonder, so grateful to have you here with us now.

(iPhone tracking app entry from that day)

I remarked in my first post about the ride we were about to embark upon. I wasn't sure what was ahead of us or what to expect during my pregnancy. What I can tell you with certainty is that the ride was even more amazing than I could have ever hoped or asked for. Turns out, it was the kind that had me smiling so big my face hurt, forging new smile lines that I am proud to see now when I look in the mirror at the so-in-love mama you've made me.

It's been four months and three days since you were born, and in that short time I've become a more calm, centered person because of you. I often used to wonder if I would be an anxious mom, but the truth is you bring me so much comfort that I find myself now being able to set aside my worries and fears to just BE for the first time in my life. As long as I have your addictive head and sour cream breath to sniff, all is right in the world.

You are learning and doing so much these days; I find myself so excited to see what you'll do next. You are belly-laughing and reaching for toys to stuff into your mouth. You watch TV with a studied focus (oops?) and press the buttons to make your bouncy seat piano play music for you over and over again. You are drooling with gusto - doc thinks you might be teething already! - and try so hard to perfect your army crawl during tummy time. And just today you finally really noticed your fur-sisters (who love you very much and find you literally delicious with their licking) for the first time -- you heard Lucy bark at the mailman and then couldn't keep your eyes off her and Molly for minutes after. It felt like such a big moment, the start to a beautiful relationship between a boy and his dogs.

I was feeding you this afternoon as you drifted off to sleep when I got a tickle in my throat and coughed. The noise and movement caused you to jerk awake, and in that moment before your silent-cry turned into a hurt wail of confusion, I felt my heart break in two. I immediately pulled you into a hug and rocked you back and forth, whispering "there, there's" as I reeled over how completely terrible it felt to unintentionally scare you in that way. You see, my little one, it is mama's job to make sure you feel safe and loved, and in that moment I vowed - once again - to always do my best to make sure that's the case.

My 8-year career recently ended and I now have the privilege of spending all my days with you. While I only get paid in coos and drool, I can think of no job that is more important than the one I am doing. When I look back on my life years from now, I know I'll never think to myself, "Gosh, I wish I'd gotten a new job instead of taking some time to devote to my boy..." and it was this thinking that made me confident that staying at home with you was the right decision for me, for now. Besides, I really, truly think you are going to change the world some day, Tate. For what it's worth, you've already changed mine in more ways than I can count. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Forever grateful,

Your Mama

"Dear Tate" - A Letter From Mama

My sweet boy Tate,

It's hard to believe you've been in my life for two months already, but it's also hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that you haven't always been here.  When I try to remember life before you were in it, it's hazy and feels like a waste of my time, really.  The reality is that I'm a better person because of you, and I couldn't feel more blessed or proud to call myself your mama. 

You are smiling so much every day, rolling over and cooing.  You are a happy, content little boy that lets your grateful parents sleep (since day one!) and you rarely cry unless you really mean it.  Two things make you cranky: hiccups and burps - you ride out the former and loudly declare the latter.  You're a voracious eater and one of my favorite things is hearing you let out a satisfied, breathy "ahhhhh" as you pull away.  Speaking of eating, your fleshy little rolls grow rounder with each day, leaving me no choice but to smooch and gobble you up every chance I get. And your cheeks...oh your cheeks!  I'm pretty sure if we tried to fly with you, they would charge us an extra fee for those delicious cheeks of yours!

Your favorite thing is the fan; when you're grouchy and need a distraction, we walk you under Fanny the Fan and you instantly stop crying and stare intently.  You are thisclose to laughing, and I cannot wait until the day you finally do - I can only imagine it will be the sweetest sound my ears have ever heard.  You are a very strong baby and have been holding your head up since before we left the hospital.  You love looking out at the world and get bored if we aren't placing you up so you can see what's going on around you.  You also enjoy tummy time, to my surprise, and can be found inching along the blanket whenever we put you down. You have a need to go-go-go all the time - when you aren't waving your little arms and kicking your legs, it surely means you're sleeping.  I have a feeling we are in for a very busy time once you begin crawling and walking! 

Your daddy and I are beyond smitten with you - it's sort of pathetic really.  We used to go out to dinner, take in shows and movies, or meet friends out for drinks.  Now we are content to stay at home declaring you the cutest, smartest, best baby EVER - and I hope you know we really believe it's true.  Our number one priority is for you to always feel our love as we feel it...and we will spend every day from now until forever trying to show you how happy and fulfilled you make us and our life. 

Every day from here on, you will learn and do something new - you have given us so very much to look forward to, Tate.  You are the answer to our prayers and the reason why our smiles are bigger than ever these days.

Forever in love,

Mama

"Dear Tate" - A Letter From Mama

Dear Tate,

I was holding you just now while checking emails with one hand when I looked down in time to catch you giving the biggest smile I've seen from you yet.  And I swear, when I saw this, my heart stopped, my stomach did a happy flip, and tears sprung to my eyes.

"They" say newborn babies don't smile knowingly, but I'm calling "their" bluff.  There have been many times in the three wonderful weeks you've been in our life that I've begun talking to you or laughed after a bit of silence, only to be rewarded with a beautiful smile from you.  In that instant, I know you know me, that you remember being inside my belly hearing me talk and laugh during what was - up until now - the happiest time of my life.  This is why the tears show in these moments, my sweet boy.  Because now you are here and my life is filled with even more smiles.

Milk-drunk

I stare at you all day long, and cherish the early morning feedings with you the most.  All is quiet and you cuddle up to my chest and drink in what my body creates just for you.  You make little flying geese sounds as you suckle, and sigh contentedly as I pull you to my shoulder to burp you.  To the outside world it might not sound like much, but to me it's the most important thing I've ever done or will do.

You are my heart.  Until there was you, I was aware of only half my ability to love.

Forever yours,

Mama

"Dear Chickpea" - A PLEA From Mama

Hello my baby,

I'm not going to point out the fact that it's 5am and I'm up because I can't sleep well these days (although - oops, I just did, didn't I?).  I figure that little pregnancy side-effect is just my body's way of preparing me for when you are here and beckoning to me every couple hours during the night. 

No, this time I wanted to ask a little favor.  First, I think it's important to tell you how much I've loved and enjoyed feeling you move within me all these months.  What I once referred to as your 'bomping' can now best be described as kicking, twisting and rolling.  I love watching my stomach take on new shapes as you test your boundaries, and giggle every time I see you hiccuping (you are doing this now as I type!) within.  These are the things I will miss most once you are finally sighing contentedly upon my chest.

But baby?  My sweet, precious little one?  I just don't think I'll miss your propensity to punch my ovaries and play on that one nerve like a guitar string, sending shocks up and down my nether regions.  No...that is one sensation I'll be just fine saying goodbye to.  As a matter of fact, if you want to do mama a solid now, I'll give you permission to start playing with the umbilical cord instead!

If you don't, though, please know I'm still enjoying having you in my belly more than anything I've ever experienced in my life - punched lady parts included.  You are my always-friend, the one who has for the past 8.5 months given me the gift of never feeling alone.  You've allowed me the luxury of daydreaming about the days when we will find ourselves romping about the world together, hand in hand, learning from each other every step of the way.  Oh, such fun we will have!  I already know any pain I've endured or will endure in the coming 6 weeks is worth it times one million and three.

Eternal love to you and your tiny, punching hands...

xoxo Mama

"Dear Chickpea" - A Letter From Mama

Dear Chickpea,

It's late and way past your mama's bedtime, but I couldn't help but take a couple minutes to tell you something:

YOU ARE SO, SO LOVED. 

Today your Grandma Carole & Auntie Alicia threw us a beautiful baby shower and I was overwhelmed by the amount of excitement in the room that was filled with ladies who already love you so much.  There are so many people in this world who are hoping the best for you, that can't wait to smell your pretty little head and cover you with kisses.

I kept looking around today thinking about how lucky we both are to have so many people who care about us.  Some day you'll learn that many people in this world aren't quite as fortunate, and because of this love and guidance you will gain from the wonderful people in our lives, I feel confident you will quickly learn how to freely share your own love with those who might not be quite so blessed.  You have such amazing examples all around you and you aren't even out of my belly yet!  This realization knocks the wind out of me sometimes...you have every opportunity available to you and it's because of the unwavering support of the family and friends your daddy and I are lucky enough to know and love.

I can only think of one drawback to all of this, precious Chickpea: you better get used to lots of hugs and kisses. I have a feeling there are a L-O-T coming to you soon enough!

I love you to the moon and back,

xoxo Mama

"Dear Chickpea" - A Letter From Mama

Dear Chickpea,

As of today, you've been growing in my belly for 23 weeks.  Aside from your strong heartbeat heard with help from the doppler I bought to alleviate the early worries, for about 18 weeks I had to give into the unknown, only assuming you were growing and thriving just as you should.  For the past several weeks, however, I've felt you move more regularly in my ever-growing stomach.  Your first movements felt like little goldfish flipping or like butterfly wings tickling me from the inside.  As time passed, it felt a bit more powerful - enough that I nicknamed the feeling/movements and could be heard excitedly yelling out to your daddy, "I just felt another bomp!!"  Since then, you've been bomping your way straight to my heart, stronger with each passing day. 

In the past week or two, I've noticed that you will move more when I talk a lot (which happens quite a bit, as you'll eventually learn!).  I can't quite describe the pride I experience every time I talk and feel you immediately wiggle about in response.  This first form of two-sided communication has me daydreaming about how much fun we'll have someday, giggling well past your bedtime and telling each other tall tales. 

Last week, your daddy came home from a busy day and announced that he thought it was time he start talking to you so you'd recognize his voice when you finally arrive. He sat on the couch, head tilted down toward you, and began to tell us both about his day.  It didn't take long before you were bomping like crazy - the most active I'd ever felt you be, as a matter of fact!  I read the next day in my pregnancy book that your ear bones are hardening now, and that the first bones to harden allow you to hear low-frequency sounds even better than higher-pitched sounds at this stage.  This was just another amazing thing I was happy to learn about you.  Because your daddy has a strong, deep voice, you're able to hear him from the outside - this makes me so, so happy, because I have a feeling your daddy has felt a bit left out of the process up until now! 

Tonight as I ate dinner, you bomped up a storm, so much that I felt compelled to lift my shirt to see what was going on.  To my delight and surprise, I could see my stomach move with each kick you made!  This is, by far, the coolest thing I've experienced with you.  Now I can hear, feel, and "see" you, and all of these little messages make you seem even more real to me.  They've allowed me to go from worrying about your well-being (which will never stop, of course) to feeling much more relaxed and confident that in just a short while, you'll be wriggling, grinning and stealing my heart with each and every move and sound you make - only you will be outside of my belly, able to be kissed and cuddled a million times a day.  Thank you for giving me so much to look forward to, Chickpea.

I can't wait to meet you, little one.  We are going to have so much fun bomping around together once you arrive...

I love you,

Mama

"Dear Chickpea" - A Letter From Mama

Dear Chickpea,

You are only the size of a plum in my belly right now, and already I feel this strong urge to protect you, to make sure you are always taken care of, healthy, loved.  I can’t help but think about all the things I will one day hope to prevent you from having to endure.  So many things come to mind…

I never want you to be left standing, hoping someone will ask you to dance;

I don’t want you to have to defend yourself on the playground when a bully teases your name or what you’re wearing that day;

I never want you to be too hard on yourself to the point that you push yourself to perfection that only leads to inevitable failure;

I don’t want you to hide behind your books, worried that you aren’t liked enough…or smart enough;

I never want you to clap your hands over your ears to filter out any amount of screaming, or to ever bite your lip in fear;

I feel my heart break already, thinking about the day the person who has stolen your heart tells you they don’t love you the same way;

I don’t want you to have to pretend to be someone you aren’t in an attempt to gain friends that aren’t good for you;

I never want to see you sick or helpless…

My heart will want to prevent these – and so many other - things from happening to sweet, amazing you, but my head already knows that no matter how hard I try, life has a funny way of happening regardless of what I do.  I also know that a person grows and becomes who they are meant to be as much from experiencing the great things in life as they do from the sad, scary, or frustrating things that happen beyond their control.  Someday I will have to remind myself of that, must make it my mantra when I see you falter or cry.  But baby, don’t doubt for one second my love for you, my desire to want to take for myself all the future pain and sadness yet to come so you don’t ever have to witness it for yourself. 

I love you forever,

Mama