"Dear Chickpea" - A PLEA From Mama

Hello my baby,

I'm not going to point out the fact that it's 5am and I'm up because I can't sleep well these days (although - oops, I just did, didn't I?).  I figure that little pregnancy side-effect is just my body's way of preparing me for when you are here and beckoning to me every couple hours during the night. 

No, this time I wanted to ask a little favor.  First, I think it's important to tell you how much I've loved and enjoyed feeling you move within me all these months.  What I once referred to as your 'bomping' can now best be described as kicking, twisting and rolling.  I love watching my stomach take on new shapes as you test your boundaries, and giggle every time I see you hiccuping (you are doing this now as I type!) within.  These are the things I will miss most once you are finally sighing contentedly upon my chest.

But baby?  My sweet, precious little one?  I just don't think I'll miss your propensity to punch my ovaries and play on that one nerve like a guitar string, sending shocks up and down my nether regions.  No...that is one sensation I'll be just fine saying goodbye to.  As a matter of fact, if you want to do mama a solid now, I'll give you permission to start playing with the umbilical cord instead!

If you don't, though, please know I'm still enjoying having you in my belly more than anything I've ever experienced in my life - punched lady parts included.  You are my always-friend, the one who has for the past 8.5 months given me the gift of never feeling alone.  You've allowed me the luxury of daydreaming about the days when we will find ourselves romping about the world together, hand in hand, learning from each other every step of the way.  Oh, such fun we will have!  I already know any pain I've endured or will endure in the coming 6 weeks is worth it times one million and three.

Eternal love to you and your tiny, punching hands...

xoxo Mama

"Dear Chickpea" - A Letter From Mama

Dear Chickpea,

It's late and way past your mama's bedtime, but I couldn't help but take a couple minutes to tell you something:

YOU ARE SO, SO LOVED. 

Today your Grandma Carole & Auntie Alicia threw us a beautiful baby shower and I was overwhelmed by the amount of excitement in the room that was filled with ladies who already love you so much.  There are so many people in this world who are hoping the best for you, that can't wait to smell your pretty little head and cover you with kisses.

I kept looking around today thinking about how lucky we both are to have so many people who care about us.  Some day you'll learn that many people in this world aren't quite as fortunate, and because of this love and guidance you will gain from the wonderful people in our lives, I feel confident you will quickly learn how to freely share your own love with those who might not be quite so blessed.  You have such amazing examples all around you and you aren't even out of my belly yet!  This realization knocks the wind out of me sometimes...you have every opportunity available to you and it's because of the unwavering support of the family and friends your daddy and I are lucky enough to know and love.

I can only think of one drawback to all of this, precious Chickpea: you better get used to lots of hugs and kisses. I have a feeling there are a L-O-T coming to you soon enough!

I love you to the moon and back,

xoxo Mama

"Dear Chickpea" - A Letter From Mama

Dear Chickpea,

As of today, you've been growing in my belly for 23 weeks.  Aside from your strong heartbeat heard with help from the doppler I bought to alleviate the early worries, for about 18 weeks I had to give into the unknown, only assuming you were growing and thriving just as you should.  For the past several weeks, however, I've felt you move more regularly in my ever-growing stomach.  Your first movements felt like little goldfish flipping or like butterfly wings tickling me from the inside.  As time passed, it felt a bit more powerful - enough that I nicknamed the feeling/movements and could be heard excitedly yelling out to your daddy, "I just felt another bomp!!"  Since then, you've been bomping your way straight to my heart, stronger with each passing day. 

In the past week or two, I've noticed that you will move more when I talk a lot (which happens quite a bit, as you'll eventually learn!).  I can't quite describe the pride I experience every time I talk and feel you immediately wiggle about in response.  This first form of two-sided communication has me daydreaming about how much fun we'll have someday, giggling well past your bedtime and telling each other tall tales. 

Last week, your daddy came home from a busy day and announced that he thought it was time he start talking to you so you'd recognize his voice when you finally arrive. He sat on the couch, head tilted down toward you, and began to tell us both about his day.  It didn't take long before you were bomping like crazy - the most active I'd ever felt you be, as a matter of fact!  I read the next day in my pregnancy book that your ear bones are hardening now, and that the first bones to harden allow you to hear low-frequency sounds even better than higher-pitched sounds at this stage.  This was just another amazing thing I was happy to learn about you.  Because your daddy has a strong, deep voice, you're able to hear him from the outside - this makes me so, so happy, because I have a feeling your daddy has felt a bit left out of the process up until now! 

Tonight as I ate dinner, you bomped up a storm, so much that I felt compelled to lift my shirt to see what was going on.  To my delight and surprise, I could see my stomach move with each kick you made!  This is, by far, the coolest thing I've experienced with you.  Now I can hear, feel, and "see" you, and all of these little messages make you seem even more real to me.  They've allowed me to go from worrying about your well-being (which will never stop, of course) to feeling much more relaxed and confident that in just a short while, you'll be wriggling, grinning and stealing my heart with each and every move and sound you make - only you will be outside of my belly, able to be kissed and cuddled a million times a day.  Thank you for giving me so much to look forward to, Chickpea.

I can't wait to meet you, little one.  We are going to have so much fun bomping around together once you arrive...

I love you,

Mama

"Dear Chickpea" - A Letter From Mama

Dear Chickpea,

You are only the size of a plum in my belly right now, and already I feel this strong urge to protect you, to make sure you are always taken care of, healthy, loved.  I can’t help but think about all the things I will one day hope to prevent you from having to endure.  So many things come to mind…

I never want you to be left standing, hoping someone will ask you to dance;

I don’t want you to have to defend yourself on the playground when a bully teases your name or what you’re wearing that day;

I never want you to be too hard on yourself to the point that you push yourself to perfection that only leads to inevitable failure;

I don’t want you to hide behind your books, worried that you aren’t liked enough…or smart enough;

I never want you to clap your hands over your ears to filter out any amount of screaming, or to ever bite your lip in fear;

I feel my heart break already, thinking about the day the person who has stolen your heart tells you they don’t love you the same way;

I don’t want you to have to pretend to be someone you aren’t in an attempt to gain friends that aren’t good for you;

I never want to see you sick or helpless…

My heart will want to prevent these – and so many other - things from happening to sweet, amazing you, but my head already knows that no matter how hard I try, life has a funny way of happening regardless of what I do.  I also know that a person grows and becomes who they are meant to be as much from experiencing the great things in life as they do from the sad, scary, or frustrating things that happen beyond their control.  Someday I will have to remind myself of that, must make it my mantra when I see you falter or cry.  But baby, don’t doubt for one second my love for you, my desire to want to take for myself all the future pain and sadness yet to come so you don’t ever have to witness it for yourself. 

I love you forever,

Mama

“Dear Chickpea” – A Letter From Daddy

Mark emailed me the sweetest response to my ‘Windows’ post and I couldn’t resist sharing it here.  This might become a somewhat regular feature here, since Mark wants to be involved but is really busy and finds it hard to write his own posts right now.  Reading this, I think you can see why it’s so easy to love this man.  Oh, and just to be clear, we’ve decided to refer to the baby as ‘Chickpea’ during the pregnancy.  What can we say: we love us some hummus.  ;o)

Dear Chickpea –

Almost four years ago exactly, your mother and I re-met. We followed a lighted path of love that night, from place to place, just trying to excitedly and bashfully keep hiding the interest we had for one another. Of course, at that time, we didn’t know it was a lighted path of love. But hey, that’s what makes where we are now all the better.

Waving little hands, leaning-half-way kisses, now that’s what life is all about. And you certainly don’t understand that yet, and probably won’t for some time. But it’ll sneak up on you one day, probably when you aren’t expecting it, when you find that certain someone who makes every day better than the last. You’ll find yourself…re-invented, but not in a bad way.

You will start to worry about someone else more than you do yourself (yes, really). You will start to see your future through the eyes of another – and with serious consequences. But it’s all for the good. You will start looking back on your life, journey by journey, and be thankful that they led you to where you were able to find that someone.

Your mom doesn’t want you to make her sick, not really anyway. She’s just hoping to get the fullest experience of you – to soak up every single moment, whether good (“I’m growing a spine today”) or bad (think toilet…).

With that said, someday you’ll look back at this blog (I’m sure a blog will be named something much cooler in a few years…) and smile, knowing that she, and we, couldn’t get enough of you – even from the beginning.