Tiny Tate

A week from today Tate will be two years old. T-W-O. I'd be in disbelief if my boy wasn't already doing, saying and BEING so much to remind me of the fact that he's getting older with each day. I was looking back this morning at some old videos and came across this one, filmed when Tate was just 3 months old. Oh, it made me smile! I'm so glad I have some proof that my larger-than-life son was once this small and defenseless; I swear I blinked and he was a toddler! A really freaking amazing one, at that. :o)

Tate's Morning Routine from Amy B on Vimeo.

Wait...what?

Um. I'm confused. It seems I have a baby boy who is about to turn one in a week, who is on the verge of walking and driving and dating and going away to college OH MY GAH.

 *deep breath*

OK, I'm better now - had to get that out. It's just that, really, did he not enter this crazy world only a month ago? Wasn't it mere weeks ago that he came wailing into my life and amazed me with his loads of awesome? Because I could have sworn that was the case.

Clearly time flies when you have the best little companion EVER. Also? Tate just woke up from his nap. Didn't I just put him down, like, a minute and a half ago?... There goes that freaking time-flying thing again!

*Joey Lawrence WHOA*

Dear Tate - One Year Later

My blue-eyed boy,

A year ago today, I took - and "passed" - one of the most important tests of my life. It was on this day that your daddy and I learned you were growing inside mama's belly and would soon be gracing and changing our lives forever. On that fateful day, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and whispered to myself, "Oh, my..." over the amazing news I had just learned. Now, 365 days later, I cannot even begin to count how many times since that I've done just the same as I stared at you in wonder, so grateful to have you here with us now.

(iPhone tracking app entry from that day)

I remarked in my first post about the ride we were about to embark upon. I wasn't sure what was ahead of us or what to expect during my pregnancy. What I can tell you with certainty is that the ride was even more amazing than I could have ever hoped or asked for. Turns out, it was the kind that had me smiling so big my face hurt, forging new smile lines that I am proud to see now when I look in the mirror at the so-in-love mama you've made me.

It's been four months and three days since you were born, and in that short time I've become a more calm, centered person because of you. I often used to wonder if I would be an anxious mom, but the truth is you bring me so much comfort that I find myself now being able to set aside my worries and fears to just BE for the first time in my life. As long as I have your addictive head and sour cream breath to sniff, all is right in the world.

You are learning and doing so much these days; I find myself so excited to see what you'll do next. You are belly-laughing and reaching for toys to stuff into your mouth. You watch TV with a studied focus (oops?) and press the buttons to make your bouncy seat piano play music for you over and over again. You are drooling with gusto - doc thinks you might be teething already! - and try so hard to perfect your army crawl during tummy time. And just today you finally really noticed your fur-sisters (who love you very much and find you literally delicious with their licking) for the first time -- you heard Lucy bark at the mailman and then couldn't keep your eyes off her and Molly for minutes after. It felt like such a big moment, the start to a beautiful relationship between a boy and his dogs.

I was feeding you this afternoon as you drifted off to sleep when I got a tickle in my throat and coughed. The noise and movement caused you to jerk awake, and in that moment before your silent-cry turned into a hurt wail of confusion, I felt my heart break in two. I immediately pulled you into a hug and rocked you back and forth, whispering "there, there's" as I reeled over how completely terrible it felt to unintentionally scare you in that way. You see, my little one, it is mama's job to make sure you feel safe and loved, and in that moment I vowed - once again - to always do my best to make sure that's the case.

My 8-year career recently ended and I now have the privilege of spending all my days with you. While I only get paid in coos and drool, I can think of no job that is more important than the one I am doing. When I look back on my life years from now, I know I'll never think to myself, "Gosh, I wish I'd gotten a new job instead of taking some time to devote to my boy..." and it was this thinking that made me confident that staying at home with you was the right decision for me, for now. Besides, I really, truly think you are going to change the world some day, Tate. For what it's worth, you've already changed mine in more ways than I can count. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Forever grateful,

Your Mama

"Dear Tate" - A Letter From Mama

My sweet boy Tate,

It's hard to believe you've been in my life for two months already, but it's also hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that you haven't always been here.  When I try to remember life before you were in it, it's hazy and feels like a waste of my time, really.  The reality is that I'm a better person because of you, and I couldn't feel more blessed or proud to call myself your mama. 

You are smiling so much every day, rolling over and cooing.  You are a happy, content little boy that lets your grateful parents sleep (since day one!) and you rarely cry unless you really mean it.  Two things make you cranky: hiccups and burps - you ride out the former and loudly declare the latter.  You're a voracious eater and one of my favorite things is hearing you let out a satisfied, breathy "ahhhhh" as you pull away.  Speaking of eating, your fleshy little rolls grow rounder with each day, leaving me no choice but to smooch and gobble you up every chance I get. And your cheeks...oh your cheeks!  I'm pretty sure if we tried to fly with you, they would charge us an extra fee for those delicious cheeks of yours!

Your favorite thing is the fan; when you're grouchy and need a distraction, we walk you under Fanny the Fan and you instantly stop crying and stare intently.  You are thisclose to laughing, and I cannot wait until the day you finally do - I can only imagine it will be the sweetest sound my ears have ever heard.  You are a very strong baby and have been holding your head up since before we left the hospital.  You love looking out at the world and get bored if we aren't placing you up so you can see what's going on around you.  You also enjoy tummy time, to my surprise, and can be found inching along the blanket whenever we put you down. You have a need to go-go-go all the time - when you aren't waving your little arms and kicking your legs, it surely means you're sleeping.  I have a feeling we are in for a very busy time once you begin crawling and walking! 

Your daddy and I are beyond smitten with you - it's sort of pathetic really.  We used to go out to dinner, take in shows and movies, or meet friends out for drinks.  Now we are content to stay at home declaring you the cutest, smartest, best baby EVER - and I hope you know we really believe it's true.  Our number one priority is for you to always feel our love as we feel it...and we will spend every day from now until forever trying to show you how happy and fulfilled you make us and our life. 

Every day from here on, you will learn and do something new - you have given us so very much to look forward to, Tate.  You are the answer to our prayers and the reason why our smiles are bigger than ever these days.

Forever in love,

Mama

Four Weeks, One Million Smiles

My beautiful boy turns four weeks old tonight. How has it already been four weeks?! And, more importantly, how has it ONLY been that long since I first saw his face, when it feels like I've known and loved him forever?...

"Dear Tate" - A Letter From Mama

Dear Tate,

I was holding you just now while checking emails with one hand when I looked down in time to catch you giving the biggest smile I've seen from you yet.  And I swear, when I saw this, my heart stopped, my stomach did a happy flip, and tears sprung to my eyes.

"They" say newborn babies don't smile knowingly, but I'm calling "their" bluff.  There have been many times in the three wonderful weeks you've been in our life that I've begun talking to you or laughed after a bit of silence, only to be rewarded with a beautiful smile from you.  In that instant, I know you know me, that you remember being inside my belly hearing me talk and laugh during what was - up until now - the happiest time of my life.  This is why the tears show in these moments, my sweet boy.  Because now you are here and my life is filled with even more smiles.

Milk-drunk

I stare at you all day long, and cherish the early morning feedings with you the most.  All is quiet and you cuddle up to my chest and drink in what my body creates just for you.  You make little flying geese sounds as you suckle, and sigh contentedly as I pull you to my shoulder to burp you.  To the outside world it might not sound like much, but to me it's the most important thing I've ever done or will do.

You are my heart.  Until there was you, I was aware of only half my ability to love.

Forever yours,

Mama

Today, I Want for Nothing

Back in my mid-twenties, I would have given anything to wake up in the morning and think, "I have no desires today; today I am happy with exactly who I am and what I have in this precious life." Which, coincidentally, is exactly what I woke up thinking today, on my 34th birthday. 

The thing is, all of the days I woke up wishing I had more or something different are the very reason why I can appreciate the amazing life I am living.  I should really thank all those tear-filled days and those times filled with unanswered prayers, huh?  Thank you, icky days and unknown times...because you happened, I am truly, finally able to see the beauty in the world around me.

I am married to my soul mate (the most amazing person) and just 9 weeks away from giving birth to a little person we created together...  I have an incredibly loving and supportive family that has always given me reason to believe the world was my oyster and I could do anything I put my mind to...  I have many wonderful friends who make me laugh and love me just the way I am...  I have two of the sweetest dogs on Earth that make frantic little 'CLICK CLICK' noises as they excitedly dance on the wood floors when I get home from work, who shower me with smiles & messy kisses....  And, uh, I have wood floors, which means I actually have a HOME, a safe, warm (and cool - YAY!) home...  I have a job to go to each day, one that is ending on the last day of this year, which will give me some of the much-needed time I crave to spend with our Chickpea, to take time to become the mom I have always dreamed of being... And, sure, I have a ton of material things that are pretty and useful, and I have the money - for now, anyway (if Chickpea is a girl, Lord help us!) - to spend on the things we need and want.

So, yeah.  I don't need a single thing.  A dear friend sent me a text message today that said, "Think of any kicks from Chickpea today as his/her way of saying, "Happy birthday mama, I love you!"  And it made me smile from here to there.  I'm loved, and kicked from the inside, and all is right in the world.

Like Wine I Can't Have, I Like to Think I Get Better with Age

As I come up on the halfway mark of this pregnancy, I can’t help but reflect on age and time. I’m not someone who has many regrets (really – we grow so much from those things we probably shouldn’t have done) and honestly wouldn’t change much about how my life has played out thus far. I’ll admit, though, that while I never thought I’d be a young mom, I also never thought I would be thirty-four by the time I gave birth to my first child. Not that I think 34 is old -- it’s just that in my early twenties, there was a time when I thought I was more ready for this big step than I did when I was in my late twenties and early thirties!

I look in the mirror and I see a slowly-deepening line spanning my forehead, a faint 'V' crease between my eyes, smile lines, and silver hairs that seem to multiply by the month. I look down at my hands and see the beginnings of thinning crepe paper skin, and can’t help but notice that I must now watch what I eat in order to not gain weight, despite not having a problem with this just 5 short years ago.

I could feel chagrined that these signs of aging are already being presented to me. Instead, I make myself see the beauty behind these unconventional gifts:

• The line across my forehead is from all those times I raised my eyebrows in wonderment during a heartfelt conversation with a friend, and for all the times I was greeted by a joyful surprise;

• The little creases between my eyes are from all those moments I spent deep in thought, studying the world around me – learning every step of the way;

• The smile lines signify all the times of laughter, all the plentiful reasons I’ve had to smile in my lifetime;

• The silver hairs – the same color as the hair both my sweet grandmothers had that I used to lovingly touch and call beautiful – are a symbol of the overflowing wisdom I’ve gained from real life and from those who loved me enough to teach me;

• The less-than-smooth hands indicate a life of hard work, of cleaning and caring and living and washing away the dirt of life that I didn't let beat me down;

• The extra weight on my hips is from the food I’m blessed enough to have plenty of, consumed during the many celebrations I’ve been a part of that included cake and champagne, hugs and cheers.

When I allow myself to reflect positively on the physical changes that are happening to me, I feel proud. It is all of these visible markings that have ripened my soul enough to give me the life experience I need to be able to someday pass it on to Chickpea, to show him/her the beauty and ways of this world s/he is about to enter into. There isn’t anything I would change – not the lines or the extra pounds; they were earned and will serve me well as I go from being a lady to becoming a mother.

These are the gifts I’ve been given and I will continue to graciously accept them with each year I’m blessed enough to be on this Earth.