Saturday, April 24, 2010

You Know You're Pregnant If...

  • You suddenly can’t read enough birth stories, and they all make you cry.
  • Dropping a big shadoobie is now cause for celebration - as in, “I deserve a cupcake for every day that has passed since I was last able to go.”
  • You take up drinking decaf coffee to moooove things along - and buy a new coffee maker (all hail the Kuerig!) just for this purpose.
  • Your boobs go from small to big, or from big to “oh-my-god-I think-a rib-just-cracked” proportions.
  • Your skin goes from oily to itchy & patchy, causing you to grab for your significant other's dry skin lotion for the first time ever.
  • You go from being ‘hell on wheels’ to becoming a more conscientious driver, starting the day you find out you’re pregnant.
  • You stop bemoaning another pound gained - and constantly "dieting" - and begin celebrating the weight you put on for the sake of the baby.
  • You begin to think maternity pants are the answer to Thanksgiving dinners or PMS after you give birth…these things are GLORIOUS!
  • You keep a plastic bag in your purse and car for impromptu upchucking sessions, having learned the hard way that not having one when you need it is not cool at all.
  • You find that a toilet isn’t the only acceptable place to throw up – the kitchen sink is closer (God bless Clorox)!
  • You start forgetting things and suddenly understand why your mom used to call you 'Oliver' after the dog instead of by your own name.
  • You begin to wonder what happened to your stomach muscles - and blame the loss of them on the fact that you moan every time you stand up from the couch.
  • You start having crazy-person dreams that make no sense and keep you thinking long after you've climbed out of your warm, cozy bed.
  • You now salivate when you see icky things as opposed to the yummy things, and learn to take this as a warning.
  • You go from having a sweet tooth to wanting to hurl upon seeing that delectable three-layer cake.
  • You cry at the cheesy commercials that used to make you roll your eyes or laugh hysterically. 
  • You find you have to remind yourself to stop sucking in your gut…it’s a hard habit to break!
  • Watching the news becomes unbearable and scary, causing you to think, “Look at the crazy world I’m bringing this baby into!”
  • Brushing the back of your tongue in the morning no longer just means good hygiene. It also means "Breakfast round one, coming right up!"  
  • You become a more forgiving person, thinking “Aww, but that is someone’s son/daughter" as opposed to “That person could really use a boot in the arse.”
  • You know where the bathroom is located in every establishment you've ever been in, because chances are, you've already had to use it.  Twice.
  • You go from being embarrassed to pass gas in front of your significant other to ceremoniously lifting your left cheek and letting out a satisfied sigh.
  • Conversation always seems to lead to bodily functions and you no longer feel bad about it or offer apologies. In other words, you become downright CLASSY.
  • People start touching your stomach and you let them, when only a few weeks ago that would have been cause for a dirty glare and a “What is wrong with you?” comment.
  • All of these crazy new things feel completely worth it…because you know that when this is said and done, you will have a precious baby to love and call your own.
If you think of any to add that you learned from your own pregnancy experience, please leave them in the comments section and I'll add them on.  Besides, I look at this list as a work in progress...I'm pretty sure this is only half of what I'll learn from this experience, since I DO have another 5 months to go. *God Help Me*

UPDATED to add a link to my late-pregnancy symptoms!!  Click here for more!


  1. Hahahaha! You crack me right up! A)Better you than me. B) Better you than me! C) I'm glad you see the funny in this and the light at the end of the tunnel that will outweigh the unpleasant. You are so good with the perspective. <3

    Oooh, and D) Now that you are doing the coffee thing: Get thee to Starbucks and try a decaf Dark Cherry Mocha or Raspberry White Chocolate Mocha! I swear, you will be in heaven for 2 minutes...until it is gone and you want more ;-).

  2. I can't wait until you can add to your list "use belly as shelf for books, drinks, cereal, etc..."

    Also, would it be bad form to buy maternity pants now to save for days I'm just feeling large? ;)

  3. this made me laugh my ass off, amy! you are too funny. haha

  4. I am definitely not pregnant LOL

    That list cracked me up :)

  5. BRILLIANT! I'm posting a set of my own--- check it out!


Please leave a comment! It will be fun for Tate to look back on some day... :o)