I Picked You Up and Everything Changed...

Today is my due date - the day I waited patiently and excitedly to come for almost ten months. I say almost because it turns out I didn't have to wait that long.  A week ago, on September 15, 2010 at 2:30am, my water broke in my sleep and what followed was the most amazing, emotionally and physically-enduring day of my life.  And at 10:45pm, my life changed forever when my beautiful boy took his first breath and took my breath away.  I'm so exceedingly proud to introduce you to him now!

~Tate Doty Burton~

Born Wednesday, Sept. 15, 2010 at 10:45pm

7lbs 2.4oz, 18.5 inches

and PERFECT

Tate is a very happy, content baby and Mark and I are having such an incredible time getting to know this little person we made with love.  We're not sure what we did to deserve him, but we sure are glad we did.  It's hard to imagine life without him; thank God we don't have to now.

This proud mama will be back with the birth story, the last belly pics, and photos of the nursery.  In the meantime, though, I'll be off enjoying every minute with my little man.  He makes me happier than I've ever been in my very happy life, and I don't want to miss a thing.  

My 'Mark' in the World

Today is the day, 32 years ago, that fate was born and began to make its slow but eventual way to me.  Does that sound weird or selfish, to call the birth of my husband a day of fate for me?  Ah well...I can see it no other way, really.  The truth is, it wasn't until I met Mark that I completely came into my own as the person I am today.  In essence, his birth turned into my own renewal, one I am blessed to relive every day I am lucky enough to wake up by his safe, kind, loving side.

It's nearly impossible to explain how I truly feel about Mark (although I've tried) and I find it absolutely impossible to celebrate this day the way he deserves it to be celebrated.  Every year I feel at a loss as to how to show him my appreciation for all he does and is to me.  I'll ask him, "What do you want for your birthday?" and he always says, "Nothing!"  He means it, too.  Of course I never oblige - that would be wrong.  This year, however, I asked him again: "What do you want for your birthday, babe?" and he - not skipping a beat - said, "A BABY!"  I laughed and asked him if it was o.k. if I opened the gift for him this time.  He didn't think that was going to be a problem.

And so, for the first time in all the years we've known each other, I finally feel like I'm prepared to give Mark something (someone!) that encompasses all that our love is and means to me.  In a matter of days, a little person created solely by our admiration and dedication to one another will arrive into the world, giving us one more reason to redefine our love for each other with every day that passes.  I imagine our love will only grow, get stronger, and have more meaning than it ever did before.  My heart stands ready to stretch and beat to the rhythmic drum of this new awakening - a new fate, if you will.  I see this as the best day of the year; it brought to me the person who has made my life infinitely greater in ways I never expected but also vow to never take for granted.

Happy birthday, baby.  I love you...so much*.

*We both have '...so much' engraved into our wedding rings; thinking of the reason why always makes me smile.  

Today, I Want for Nothing

Back in my mid-twenties, I would have given anything to wake up in the morning and think, "I have no desires today; today I am happy with exactly who I am and what I have in this precious life." Which, coincidentally, is exactly what I woke up thinking today, on my 34th birthday. 

The thing is, all of the days I woke up wishing I had more or something different are the very reason why I can appreciate the amazing life I am living.  I should really thank all those tear-filled days and those times filled with unanswered prayers, huh?  Thank you, icky days and unknown times...because you happened, I am truly, finally able to see the beauty in the world around me.

I am married to my soul mate (the most amazing person) and just 9 weeks away from giving birth to a little person we created together...  I have an incredibly loving and supportive family that has always given me reason to believe the world was my oyster and I could do anything I put my mind to...  I have many wonderful friends who make me laugh and love me just the way I am...  I have two of the sweetest dogs on Earth that make frantic little 'CLICK CLICK' noises as they excitedly dance on the wood floors when I get home from work, who shower me with smiles & messy kisses....  And, uh, I have wood floors, which means I actually have a HOME, a safe, warm (and cool - YAY!) home...  I have a job to go to each day, one that is ending on the last day of this year, which will give me some of the much-needed time I crave to spend with our Chickpea, to take time to become the mom I have always dreamed of being... And, sure, I have a ton of material things that are pretty and useful, and I have the money - for now, anyway (if Chickpea is a girl, Lord help us!) - to spend on the things we need and want.

So, yeah.  I don't need a single thing.  A dear friend sent me a text message today that said, "Think of any kicks from Chickpea today as his/her way of saying, "Happy birthday mama, I love you!"  And it made me smile from here to there.  I'm loved, and kicked from the inside, and all is right in the world.

Baby Knows Best

I recently took a trip to Grand Rapids to see my mom and drove Mark's SUV there since I was lugging some big items with me.  On the drive in while listening to Mark's well-stocked iPod, a song came on that made Chickpea go NUTS with bomping.  I made a mental note to play it later, just to get to know it better.  On the way home I searched for the song and push played.  Once again, Chickpea went crazy the entire time the song was on.    

I finally had time to Google and read the lyrics on Sunday.  Mark asked me to read them out loud to him; in doing so, I became choked up and started to cry over how perfect this song is, considering it was Chickpea who called my attention to it:

All my little plans and schemes

Lost like some forgotten dreams

Seems that all I really was doing

Was waiting for you

Just like little girls and boys

Playing with their little toys

Seems like all they really were doing

Was waiting for love

Don't need to be alone

No need to be alone

It's real love

Yes, it's real love

Oh, it's real love

Yes, it's real love

From this moment on I know

Exactly where my life will go

Seems that all I really was doing

Was waiting for love...

Don't need to be afraid

No need to be afraid

It's real love

Yes, it's real love

Oh, it's real love

Yes, it's real love

Thought i'd been in love before

But in my heart I wanted more

Seems like all I really was doing

Was waiting for you

Don't need to be alone

No need to be alone

It's real love

Yes, it's real love

Oh, it's real love

Yes, it's real love...

The song is 'Real Love' sung by Regina Spektor, although it's actually a John Lennon original.  Check it out and tell me this isn't the most perfect song to add to my in-progress labor playlist*.  I'm in real love with it, to be sure.



*I'm looking for song suggestions to add to the playlist (cheekily titled 'Push It Real Good') that Mark and I will listen to at the hospital.  If you have ideas, please leave them in the comments section and I'll post the entire list once it's complete. Thanks!

Mother's Day Came Early for Me

Today we had our 20-week ultrasound and appointment.  This was the one I was equally excited and nervous about.  You see, after the bleeding scare, we had a visit with the doctor to talk things over.  She suggested we opt for the round of blood tests that look for abnormalities.  We were originally going to skip this, since no matter what the results were, we would have kept the baby anyway, but she made a great point that it would enable us to secure a 12-week ultrasound scan that insurance otherwise wouldn't cover.  Naturally, we jumped at the chance to see the baby earlier as additional proof that things were OK despite the bleeding.  Today was the day we were to not only get our second - and last, as long as everything continues to progress well - ultrasound, but also the results from the multiple blood tests.

When you are carrying a baby, it's impossible not to worry and wonder if things are going well.  I try not to dwell on the things I can't change or control, but this is our baby! You can imagine my mind occasionally goes to "What If" Land.  But...today, we not only got to see Chickpea again, we also got a perfect report card for all of the tests - the results honestly couldn't have been any better.  WHEW!  I was practically walking on air on the way out, thinking to myself that this was the best possible Mother's Day gift anyone could ever ask for.

That, and these pictures of our wriggling, stubborn Chickpea (it took them a LONG time to get pictures of the face, and when the baby finally moved in place, the little one wouldn't stop moving!):

Profile 1 (head to left, looking up)

Profile 2 (look at the little arm up over the side of the head...at least I think it's the arm!?)

FOOT! Nom nom.

My personal favorite - side profile of a little hiney (to the right) with a curled-up frog leg!

  Thigh/Leg/Foot

This is of the face from straight-on.  Does anyone else think this looks a little like the button-eyed kids in Coraline? Hee!  We saw the baby in this position waving it's arms in the air like s/he just didn't care, too, and it was quite hilarious!  So far we know that Chickpea is very active, stubborn, and a comedian - who said you can't learn about your baby from ultrasounds? ;o)

The baby was measured at just over 14 ounces and 10 inches long.  Now we know why my belly popped so much in the last month.  Grow, baby, GROW!  20 weeks down, 20 (give or take) to go.  Also, they moved our due date up one day from September 23 to September 22!  My dad will be happy to know this, because he called that as our delivery day using the lunar calendar (a trick my grandma used that led to an uncanny record of correct birthday guesses).

And speaking of my dad, it's his birthday tomorrow!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, daddio!  We all love you so much -- Chickpea says s/he can't wait to meet you! (((HUGS)))

P.S.: One last thing...I know I'm rambling but I'm clearly on a high from having seen our sweet baby today.  When we walked into the scan room, they asked if we would be finding out the gender. We said no, and later were told that only about 10% of people these days don't want to find out if their baby is a boy or girl.  I was shocked!  C'mon, people...whatever happened to the element of surprise?!

Moved

Yesterday marked 18 weeks along. It also happened to be the first day that I unmistakably could feel the baby moving inside me! Starting on Tuesday, I began feeling gurgling or a 'goldfish flopping' feeling, but thought it was gas or my food settling. But when it began happening more frequently, it dawned on me that little Chickpea was trying to let me know s/he is in there!

It's still pretty fluttery, but there is no mistaking it now that I know what it feels like. And it feels...AMAZING. That's our baby in there! I know I'll probably regret saying this, but I can't wait until Chickpea actually grows big enough to give mama a swift kick to the belly. I can't wait until it's a game, where I push at my stomach and s/he pushes back. Of course I'll need to discourage such behavior later in life, but for now, I'm just going to take it one step (and kick!) at a time. :o)

Four Months!

Mark and I just got back from our 4-month (40% through the pregnancy!) doctor visit, and everything is great!  We got to hear the heartbeat using one of those doppler heartbeat monitors; it was so nice to get that additional reassurance that things are going well.  I actually broke down yesterday and ordered a doppler for us to use at home (I just couldn't resist; it was CHEAP) and can't wait for it to get here!  It has a cool feature where we can record the heartbeat to our computer, so stay tuned and we will upload it for you to hear soon.

In the meantime, I've been feeling really good.  Bloated (ha!) and a bit tired, with the now-routine morning stomach icks, but I honestly can't complain.  Unlike all those hangovers I once had in my partying days (JUST KIDDING, mom!), at the end of this journey, WE GET A BABY!!  So, you know, totally worth it.

Since I just sent the link to this blog out to our family and friends today, I hope to have lots of people joining us here soon.  If you've found us, WELCOME and thank you for stopping in to read about these foibles throughout our pregnancy.  Assume I'll be pretty schmoopy on here, as well as silly and sarcastic, but most of all, I hope you know how lucky Mark and I feel to have you all in our lives.  This wouldn't be nearly as exciting of a time for us if it weren't for your support and excitement.  Hugs!!

Relief

Yesterday we had our 12-week ultrasound.  I was naturally pretty nervous going there, since this was to be the first time seeing the baby since the bleeding scare.  I was also super excited!  Originally, we weren't going to do an early ultrasound (which includes a nucal screening to check for Down Syndrome and blood tests to look for other complications) since it wouldn't have mattered if the results showed problems - we are having this baby no matter what!  But when we went in after the E.R. visit, our doctor thought it might give us some added reassurance to see the baby earlier than the typical 19-20 week ultrasound, so we hopped at the chance to see Chickpea again.

I had to drink a TON of water beforehand, so by the time we got to the doctor's office, I was literally hopping from foot to foot, trying not to embarrass myself with a pants-wetting experience.  They brought us into the room and I said to the tech, "So, are you the one I'll be trying not to pee on?" She didn't think I was very funny.  Hrrrmp.  ANYWAY, she pulled my pants lower, squirted my stomach with warm ultrasound gel, and got to work.  Within seconds, we could see our baby moving around with a strong heartbeat.  Sweetest sound EVER!  It was such a relief to see and hear.  And this time, unlike the E.R. visit (protocol and such), we got to take home pictures to adorn our fridge!  Would you look at that sweetheart?

Judging from the size of the head, it's gonna be a smart one...don't you think*?  ;o)

*Juuuust kidding! At this stage, the babies head is supposed to be as big or bigger than the body.  But as the mom, it's in my nature to make these complimentary assumptions, right?

Scary Scare

This past Saturday, I started bleeding. Not spotting: bleeding. Mark and I were at home settling in to watch a movie - popcorn already popped - and I ran to the bathroom before the lights went low. I went to wipe and was greeted with pure blood, with more red drips in the toilet. There weren't any lumps or mucus, it was just blood. I had no idea what to think about it, but I was freaked. I called out to Mark to tell him, and he suggested I call our midwife. I talked to her and she said it was best to go to the emergency room just in case, because "bleeding of any kind during pregnancy isn't normal."  It was 9:20pm and we were headed for a long night.

We arrived at the E.R. and were the only ones there besides one other couple.  They got us in pretty quickly and we were greeted with the NICEST nurse and doctor- a blessing in and of itself! Honestly, they really made things a lot easier and more calming for us. It was determined that I would have an internal ultrasound, which would require a catheter. While waiting to be taken to have these procedures, I couldn't stop my mind from racing. I thought about how easy it had been for us to conceive, and how it would only seem fair that we would have to pay for that now. I spent some time playing a silly game on my phone to keep my mind off things because my anxiety was as high in those moments as it has ever been. Mark was such a sweetheart, rubbing my back and thinking positively. He never lost his cool (although he never does). Having him there to reassure me was exactly what I needed. At one point I looked down at my shirt and found a Molly hair (our dog who is like a fur-covered anxiety pill - she's The Awesome) and instantly felt this weird sense of comfort in it. It's funny the things you hold onto when you feel so scared and out of control.

The catheter? Well, let's just say it hurt like a mother. Getting a tube shoved up a tiny hole isn't something I would recommend to anyone. I instantly had this feeling like I was peeing my pants, and at one point, I said to Mark, "I think I just peed the bed! I hope I don't crap my pants...OH WAIT, I'M NOT WEARING ANY!" Hey, humor has always been my favorite crutch...

We were wheeled into the ultrasound room, which was dark and cool. The tech was steel-faced and didn't say anything as she began the internal ultrasound, filling up my bladder with fluid so she could have a "window" to look at my ovaries/tubes to make sure there wasn't blockage that could have caused the bleeding. She then took out the catheter (OUCH followed by sweet relief) and began to look at the baby. We couldn't see the screen, and it felt like an ETERNITY before she said, "Now...I can't tell you anything, but why don't you just take a look at the screen." She turned the screen toward us and we saw our little Chickpea wriggling about, heart beating fast. Mark and I squeezed each others hands tightly and just stared in awe, tears filling our eyes. The tech turned on the speaker and suddenly we heard the little stampede of a heartbeat rushing straight to my heart. 180 beats per minute, strong as it should be. Out loud, I said, "OHHH! What a RELIEF!!" When she left, Mark said to me, "That was the coolest thing I've even seen," and I had to agree. Our baby was O.K. Thank God!

The next day, I was still quite sore and felt like I had a bladder infection. On one of the many visits to the bathroom, I was greeted with more bleeding. My heart sank and I began to cry. Mark was out of town for work, so I called him. He was once again very reassuring, saying that we'd had bleeding once and the baby was fine, and it would be fine again. It was hard for me to believe in the moment, though. I called my sister, who is a nurse, and she talked me through it even more.

Today, we went for a follow-up and met with the O.B., who said that some unlucky woman bleed throughout their pregnancies, and that there is a new increase in blood flow and new arteries that could have caused a small burst in my case.  She was also honest and said that if I'm going to miscarry, there isn't much I can do to prevent it, so I should just go about life as normal.  I felt relieved hearing that from a professional.  It was the perspective I needed at that moment. 

For now, we've decided not to tell anyone else our good news - it's just too risky. I'm afraid, very anxious, and worried that we might not get to meet our Chickpea. But I'm also grateful for the glimpse we were able to have of him or her, to have seen with our own eyes that things are going just as they should. And for now, I can only pray...