20%

As of today, I’m eight weeks along. For the math geeks, that equates to 20% done, 80% to go! When I think about the 20%, it seems like it’s flown by already.  Then I think about the 80% left to go and I feel tired and antsy.

Also making me antsy is the fact that Mark and I are planning a trip to Grand Rapids to break the great news to my mom and sister this weekend, followed by calls to the rest of the immediate family on both sides.  I’m not going to lie: this stage not only excites me but also makes me a bit nervous.  I simply can’t wait for our loved ones to know about the incoming baby in our life, but I also feel stressed about telling everyone and having them tell everyone else so soon.

For example, my mom is one of the most excitable, infectiously happy people on Earth.  When she hears good news, she wants the WHOLE WORLD to know!  And who would blame her this time?  Her baby is having a baby!  Still, what if something tragic happens? This information can’t be untold.  I promise I’m not dwelling on the bad that could happen, but it DOES happen, you know? Still, it’s driving me nuts to not have our closest people know this information, so tell we will.

I’m still mulling with creative ideas of how to tell our people.  For most, it will have to be shared via phone, since they are out-of-town or state.  For my mom, though, I’d love to do something special.  I’d REALLY love to capture her response on camera, too, if we can swing it without making her suspicious and ruining the surprise.  If you could have heard her reaction when I called to tell her I had gotten engaged (which was a complete surprise to even me), you’d totally know what I mean.  She pretty much did this hybrid laugh/cry/hyperventilate thing that still makes me smile to this day just thinking about it. It was really too freaking cute.

It’s great to know this baby already has so many wonderful people who will love it before it’s even here.  This is the fun part of things, I know.  I just have to let go and trust that it all works out the way it should.  If not, it’s also really comforting to know we have plenty of people to lean on.  And that’s a blessing of the greatest kind -- just like our Chickpea.

Postscript Update:
My mom managed to keep our secret for over a MONTH after we told her the news! I have NO idea how she did it, but I was super appreciative and impressed!  She said that people would ask her about me and she would tell them something in a way that didn't tell them the truth, but also was never lie.  Like one time, someone asked, "So, when you talked to Amy last, did she have any pregnancy news?" and she said, "Why yes, as a matter of fact, she did - she just found out one of her friends is expecting and she's very excited for her!"  HEE! She's so cute.  :o) 

Windows

While waiting at a red light this morning on my drive to work, I saw through the window of the car in front of me two shadows – driver and passenger – moving closer and closer, finally settling in for a sweet kiss.  Being able to witness that private kind of simple love made me smile.  It reminded me of all the times Mark and I have leaned in to show each other our own love.

Later on the drive, almost to work, I saw a little hand waving and waving from the backseat of the van in front of me.  As I could only see the outline, I wasn’t sure what they were doing until a smile crept to my face as I realized it was a little child beckoning me to wave back at them.  I couldn’t help but giggle as I waved in return, reminded of how I used to pump my little fist in the air, up and down, to get truck drivers to sound their horn in salute.

It would be nice if every day started out with a little kiss and a wave, don’t you think?

Right now, I find myself worrying in little ways about what is happening inside me, about if our baby is still safely growing its way into the world.  I sometimes wish I had a window to my womb, so I could blow a kiss and wave at the little darling.

The thing is, I don’t feel pregnant, aside from some breast pain and having to go to the bathroom every hour (I’m drinking a TON of water lately, since I think it’s good for the chickpea).  I’m not battling nausea or feeling too faint, which irrationally makes me pause with concern now and then.  It seems so silly to assume that because I feel so good, something must be wrong.  I can think of plenty of pregnant women who only wish they weren’t such good friends with a bucket!  Still, we’re taught to believe certain things happen when you get pregnant, so when those don’t happen, it’s easy to wonder if things are coming along as they should.

I can’t seem to find a pregnancy book that will appease all the wonders I have, which isn’t surprising since each pregnancy is so different.  This is part of why I write here, even though no one – aside from Mark – knows about this site and/or is reading yet.  I guess I just want a place I can come to, an evolving story to call my own.  Someday I will most likely look back on this and laugh about all the silly worries I had.  For now, though, it’s the only window I have to peer into my own thoughts, as they race about with no place to land.

I don’t *want* to drink, I just want to *pretend* to…

SO! I’m newly pregnant and no one knows! This presents few problems, except for wanting to yell from a mountaintop: “I AM FERTILE, HERE ME ROAR!”

Ahem.

The other main problem is when we have plans to do something with friends.  Do you know what plans with thirty-somethings always seem to include? That’s right, alcohol.  I’m lucky I haven’t missed drinking at all, since I’m a lightweight and don’t drink a lot, anyway.  Really, the only time I would drink before getting pregnant was in social situations and rarely did I have more than one or two in one sitting (I've grown up - and more responsible - over the past few years: SHOCKING!!).  Still, it’s quite obvious to my friends when I don’t drink now, since I’m always known to bring a six-pack over to share when we get invited to a gathering or order a glass of wine or beer during a dinner out.  Therefore, I’ve been shirking plans and telling people I’m busy when asked to have a drink after work, which really stinks!  Just because I can’t drink doesn’t mean I don’t want and miss the social interaction.  I’ve even ignored several email invites from a few friends asking me/us to get together for dinner and drinks.  And that’s just plain RUDE.

Some would say to lie, but I’m not a good liar and I honestly feel like lying would be jinxing things.  And since there are several people who know we were trying to get pregnant, I would feel wrong telling them I’m not if they were to ask if I am.  If I say ”no?” JINX!  I know that sounds silly to some, but it honestly stresses me out to think about.  Lying leads to bad things, folks.

I have plans this weekend to go home to Grand Rapids to have drinks with my older sister, Alicia, and my cousins Kimberly and Julie.  Julie sent an email early this month asking when would work for us to all get together for drinks, since it’s been waaaaaay too long, so we decided on January 30th.  That would be tomorrow.  When we made the plans, I didn’t know I was pregnant and as I mentioned before, I honestly didn’t think it would be this easy for us to conceive.  I’m NOT COMPLAINING, obviously, but it does put me in a slightly sticky situation if I’m not quite ready to share our great news yet.

I think I might arrive early to the restaurant and have a little chat with the waiter, asking them to bring whatever I order (daiquiri, margarita, etc.) to me, only WITHOUT the requisite alcohol in it.  That could work, right?  BUT, the idea of sharing this news with a stranger just so it isn’t shared with the people who have known and loved me my whole life seems so…wrong.

This secret pregnancy thing is so confusing, it could almost drive me to drink. ;o)

2/1/10 UPDATE:
I survived the dinner/drinks with my sister and cousins!  I only had to fib a little (and I'm SURE they saw right through it, anyway...) when I ordered Soda and Lime and got a funny look.  I simply said I was dealing with drainage from a cold & wasn’t feeling great and no one pressed.  No one wants to talk about your phlegm, yo.  I can live with this, especially knowing I will soon be able to admit the fib once we’ve been to the doctor and feel more comfortable sharing this news.  I’m not condoning lying, kids, but if you plan to tell the truth later?  I SAY GO FOR IT.