You Know You're a Million Years Pregnant If...

I'm 37-weeks along today!  In pregnancy news, that means the baby is full-term and can come out anytime with little-to-no complications.  WOOT!  Given that this past week has been hot, muggy and very uncomfortable for me, I think it's time to revisit and add to my "You Know You're Pregnant If..." list to include third trimester or, in my case, late pregnancy, symptoms.  Get ready to feel sorry for pregnant women everywhere!

You know you're REALLY pregnant if...

• You suddenly become a spectacle that people can't help but either stare at or smile kindly toward.  Sometimes, if you're lucky, strangers will also find it necessary to tell you how HUGE you are or shoot a "Good luck with that!" your way.
• You find yourself a bit tired of giving random (yet well-meaning) people the lowdown about your baby status and contemplate making a t-shirt that says, "NO, I don't know what I'm having; YES, I know I'm giant; and NO, I have no idea when it's going to get here but I think you're safe and won't need to learn how to boil water anytime soon."
• Your baby wages a painful ribcage-match against you at least a few times a day and all you can do is yell "Uncle!" because, really?  You're never gonna win that one.
• It becomes necessary to employ a Sumo Stance in order to pick something up off the floor or dry your legs after a shower.
• You feel like yelling "Yabba Dabba DOOOOO!" every time you look down at your giant, swollen feet. Fred Flintstone, anyone?! 
• Your already-hated nose grows wider, but you barely care.  I mean, have you seen these FEET?!
• You are so, so tired due to the 4-6 (sometimes you see every hour on the clock - fun!) bathroom breaks and tossing & turning you do at night, yet you feel stupid complaining about it because pretty soon you'll have a little person yelling at you waaaaay more often than that.
• Back spasms become the new thing, but your cumbersome belly makes it awfully difficult to stretch the way you used to, leading you to use the wall and office chair in excitingly new ways.
• Speaking of difficult, it becomes nearly impossible to wipe your behind properly for some insane reason...this hardly seems fair, given the fact that "productive bathroom breaks" are few and far between these days as it IS... (hey - just being honest!).
• You begin referring to your stomach as The Crumb Catcher, because that's exactly what it is.  On the bright side, at least you have a snack for later! 
•  Despite being exhausted times a trillion, you can't sit still to save your life because in your little pea brain, all you can irrationally think is "THERE IS STILL SO MUCH I COULD BE DOING, OHMYGOD!"
• Your favorite past time (when you finally allow yourself to sit down and relax) becomes watching your baby perform Gumby-like feats in your stretched-to-the-limit belly.  That never gets old. Never.
• You stop reading the baby books and iPhone pregnancy applications as religiously as you once did because it seems so 'Old Hat' by now.
• You take an infant/child CPR class and suddenly consider yourself an expert on the subject due to that nifty little certification card they handed out following the 4-hour class and test that you SO TOTALLY ACED (and just so you know - the 30 compressions flanked by two light puffs/breaths should go to the beat of 'one and two and three and four'...See? EXPERT.).
• While putting your rings on in the morning, you say a little prayer; While taking them off at night, you swear and use half a thing of soap trying to pry them off your sausage fingers (mmm, sausage!).
• You begin to seriously wonder what exactly it's going to take to get the baby out of you - you've taken the birthing classes, read the books, asked for the brutally-honest war stories, and tried to visualize labor, but realistically you know that none of that truly prepares you for what is ahead.
• Daydreaming about what (and who) the baby will look like becomes somewhat of an obsession.
• You still maintain that all of this is SO WORTH IT because you are thisclose to meeting your new, little person.  How exciting is that?!

You Know You're Pregnant If...

• You suddenly can’t read enough birth stories, and they all make you cry.
• Dropping a big shadoobie is now cause for celebration - as in, “I deserve a cupcake for every day that has passed since I was last able to go.”
• You take up drinking decaf coffee to moooove things along - and buy a new coffee maker (all hail the Kuerig!) just for this purpose.
• Your boobs go from small to big, or from big to “oh-my-god-I think-a rib-just-cracked” proportions.
• Your skin goes from oily to itchy & patchy, causing you to grab for your significant other's dry skin lotion for the first time ever.
• You go from being ‘hell on wheels’ to becoming a more conscientious driver, starting the day you find out you’re pregnant.
• You stop bemoaning another pound gained - and constantly "dieting" - and begin celebrating the weight you put on for the sake of the baby.
• You begin to think maternity pants are the answer to Thanksgiving dinners or PMS after you give birth…these things are GLORIOUS!
• You keep a plastic bag in your purse and car for impromptu upchucking sessions, having learned the hard way that not having one when you need it is not cool at all.
• You find that a toilet isn’t the only acceptable place to throw up – the kitchen sink is closer (God bless Clorox)!
• You start forgetting things and suddenly understand why your mom used to call you 'Oliver' after the dog instead of by your own name.
• You begin to wonder what happened to your stomach muscles - and blame the loss of them on the fact that you moan every time you stand up from the couch.
• You start having crazy-person dreams that make no sense and keep you thinking long after you've climbed out of your warm, cozy bed.
• You now salivate when you see icky things as opposed to the yummy things, and learn to take this as a warning.
• You go from having a sweet tooth to wanting to hurl upon seeing that delectable three-layer cake.
• You cry at the cheesy commercials that used to make you roll your eyes or laugh hysterically. 
• You find you have to remind yourself to stop sucking in your gut…it’s a hard habit to break!
• Watching the news becomes unbearable and scary, causing you to think, “Look at the crazy world I’m bringing this baby into!”
• Brushing the back of your tongue in the morning no longer just means good hygiene. It also means "Breakfast round one, coming right up!"  
• You become a more forgiving person, thinking “Aww, but that is someone’s son/daughter" as opposed to “That person could really use a boot in the arse.”
• You know where the bathroom is located in every establishment you've ever been in, because chances are, you've already had to use it.  Twice.
• You go from being embarrassed to pass gas in front of your significant other to ceremoniously lifting your left cheek and letting out a satisfied sigh.
• Conversation always seems to lead to bodily functions and you no longer feel bad about it or offer apologies. In other words, you become downright CLASSY.
• People start touching your stomach and you let them, when only a few weeks ago that would have been cause for a dirty glare and a “What is wrong with you?” comment.
• All of these crazy new things feel completely worth it…because you know that when this is said and done, you will have a precious baby to love and call your own.

If you think of any to add that you learned from your own pregnancy experience, please leave them in the comments section and I'll add them on.  Besides, I look at this list as a work in progress...I'm pretty sure this is only half of what I'll learn from this experience, since I DO have another 5 months to go. *God Help Me*

UPDATED to add a link to my late-pregnancy symptoms!!  Click here for more!