Wednesday, September 1, 2010

You Know You're a Million Years Pregnant If...

I'm 37-weeks along today!  In pregnancy news, that means the baby is full-term and can come out anytime with little-to-no complications.  WOOT!  Given that this past week has been hot, muggy and very uncomfortable for me, I think it's time to revisit and add to my "You Know You're Pregnant If..." list to include third trimester or, in my case, late pregnancy, symptoms.  Get ready to feel sorry for pregnant women everywhere!

You know you're REALLY pregnant if...
  • You suddenly become a spectacle that people can't help but either stare at or smile kindly toward.  Sometimes, if you're lucky, strangers will also find it necessary to tell you how HUGE you are or shoot a "Good luck with that!" your way.
  • You find yourself a bit tired of giving random (yet well-meaning) people the lowdown about your baby status and contemplate making a t-shirt that says, "NO, I don't know what I'm having; YES, I know I'm giant; and NO, I have no idea when it's going to get here but I think you're safe and won't need to learn how to boil water anytime soon."
  • Your baby wages a painful ribcage-match against you at least a few times a day and all you can do is yell "Uncle!" because, really?  You're never gonna win that one.
  • It becomes necessary to employ a Sumo Stance in order to pick something up off the floor or dry your legs after a shower.
  • You feel like yelling "Yabba Dabba DOOOOO!" every time you look down at your giant, swollen feet. Fred Flintstone, anyone?! 
  • Your already-hated nose grows wider, but you barely care.  I mean, have you seen these FEET?!
  • You are so, so tired due to the 4-6 (sometimes you see every hour on the clock - fun!) bathroom breaks and tossing & turning you do at night, yet you feel stupid complaining about it because pretty soon you'll have a little person yelling at you waaaaay more often than that.
  • Back spasms become the new thing, but your cumbersome belly makes it awfully difficult to stretch the way you used to, leading you to use the wall and office chair in excitingly new ways.
  • Speaking of difficult, it becomes nearly impossible to wipe your behind properly for some insane reason...this hardly seems fair, given the fact that "productive bathroom breaks" are few and far between these days as it IS... (hey - just being honest!).
  • You begin referring to your stomach as The Crumb Catcher, because that's exactly what it is.  On the bright side, at least you have a snack for later! 
  •  Despite being exhausted times a trillion, you can't sit still to save your life because in your little pea brain, all you can irrationally think is "THERE IS STILL SO MUCH I COULD BE DOING, OHMYGOD!"
  • Your favorite past time (when you finally allow yourself to sit down and relax) becomes watching your baby perform Gumby-like feats in your stretched-to-the-limit belly.  That never gets old. Never.
  • You stop reading the baby books and iPhone pregnancy applications as religiously as you once did because it seems so 'Old Hat' by now.
  • You take an infant/child CPR class and suddenly consider yourself an expert on the subject due to that nifty little certification card they handed out following the 4-hour class and test that you SO TOTALLY ACED (and just so you know - the 30 compressions flanked by two light puffs/breaths should go to the beat of 'one and two and three and four'...See? EXPERT.).
  • While putting your rings on in the morning, you say a little prayer; While taking them off at night, you swear and use half a thing of soap trying to pry them off your sausage fingers (mmm, sausage!).
  • You begin to seriously wonder what exactly it's going to take to get the baby out of you - you've taken the birthing classes, read the books, asked for the brutally-honest war stories, and tried to visualize labor, but realistically you know that none of that truly prepares you for what is ahead.
  • Daydreaming about what (and who) the baby will look like becomes somewhat of an obsession.
  • You still maintain that all of this is SO WORTH IT because you are thisclose to meeting your new, little person.  How exciting is that?!


  1. Love the list! So excited that your little one is going to be here soon! :)

  2. So excited for you and Mark (and Molly and Lucy) that you get to meet Chickpea THIS month!!! As for your list, as fun as all of that sounds, I think I will totally stick with kiddos birthed by someone else...of another species ;-)). Glad that you can keep a sense of humor and take it all in-stride. You rock!

  3. "Mmm Sausage!".....You kill me! :)

    We need more pics of you and Chickpea! Or, maybe I just need to drive over and see you for myself?!

    Mom called this morning and said, "This is the month you will get to meet your niece or nephew!" YAY!

    I remember those many nightly trips to the bathroom and trying to roll myself out of bed.....this will soon end and you won't believe how great your body soon feels again! And, all of this will be SO WORTH IT!!!

    Love ya!!!

  4. It's VERY exciting!! And, you'd make the most beautiful sumo wrestler of all time! xo :)

  5. It is SO SO SO exciting! And, omg, I must be crazy... but you are making me miss pregnancy!!! Awww the little kicks and punches! All those people asking me how far along I am! Reading up on what's to come! All the anticipation of the unknown!!! Sigh.... I just loved it all.

    "Holding up" is all you can really do at this point.... and sounds like you coping, and enjoying, and dreaming ;)

    Let me know if you want any "getting the baby out" advice--- cause I loved that part, too (and as you know I love talking about it...)!!!!

  6. Oh yes, feet...what are those? I have incredibly sexy cankles and sausage toes...


Please leave a comment! It will be fun for Tate to look back on some day... :o)