Monday, August 9, 2010

Just Breathe

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine; You make me happy, when skies are gray; You'll never know dear, how much I love you; Please don't take my sunshine away...*

Lately I find myself having occasional visions of bad things that take me to a dark, fleeting place.  Like I will suddenly envision myself losing Chickpea late in pregnancy or having only a short while to spend with him/her before they are gone from our lives like a distant memory.  While I don't dwell on these morose thoughts, I must admit they cause me to pause and reflect a bit.

The reality is that jumping into 'parenthood' is by far the most simultaneously amazing yet terrifying thing a person could ever do.  My excitement far exceeds any fear - and always will, I hope - but when you think about it, a lot of blind faith must be employed during such a journey.  Mark and I have no control over what can, or will, happen, and when I allow myself to think about that too much, it's a little hard to breathe.  I already feel such a scary strong love for Chickpea; I know this love will only multiply times a million once s/he is here with us. 

The best thing I know how to do is enjoy and appreciate each moment as it comes.  This pregnancy has taught me that while things aren't always easy, they are often much more beautiful that way.  The twists, turns, and unknowns have a way of shaping a more wonderful story than one could have written on their own.  I have a feeling being a mom to Chickpea will be much the same way.

And so, my promise to myself as a mama is this: I will take things one day at a time, thank God for each day we are given, and never, ever take any of it for granted. No matter what may come, it will undoubtedly have been worth it.


*Growing up, my nickname was 'Sunshine' and my mom would sing this song to me.  It wasn't until much, much later in life that I realized how touching and somber the lyrics really are.  I guess you could say this song from my childhood perfectly reflects my feelings on the subject of this post. 

6 comments:

  1. Once you become a Momma....and you already are one....you will never be able to breathe as easily as you once did. I've heard the quote that "having a child is like having your heart walk around on earth." I totally agree with this quote! And, since your heart helps to aide you in breathing....it makes perfect sense why it's so difficult to breathe as easily as you once could.

    Having a child is the best journey on earth, but it's also the most emotional. There are scary emotions, happy emotions, frustruating emotions, blissful emotions.....BUT, IT IS SO WORTH IT!!!

    Life has forever changed for you sister, and it will change even more once Chickpea arrives.....and no matter what happens, you will forever be on the awesomest roller-coaster of your life! Hope you still like roller-coasters! :)

    Just remember that everything works out for a reason and everything turns out just the way it was supposed to be. God has a plan for you, Mark and Chickpea. And, God will assist you in being able to breathe, even when your heart is no longer beating within you! The best days of your life are ahead for you! I can't wait to share them with all of you!

    Love you!!! HUGS!!!

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  2. Annnnd you just made me cry with your sweet, true comment. *SNIFF* I love you, sissy!!

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  3. You are wise beyond your years, my dear. I believe that you are already one of those special people who CAN and DOES appreciate everything they are given in life. I don't think you take any of the amazing things or people in your life for granted, and I know you will be the same as a mother. Your perspective on life, both the good and the bad, has always inspired me. I hope Chickpea inherits your amazingly positive attitude, your humongous heart, and your beautiful and thoughtful mind.

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  4. Interestingly enough, my nichname growing up alternated between monkey and sunshine. My mom sang it to me too.

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  5. My Dad sang that song to me when I was a baby and a kid. To this day, he calls me "Sunshine." This morning, in fact.

    Interestingly enough, now that I think about it, I sing that song to Artie all the time. My father would be appalled. But you're smiling. :)

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  6. Oh my goodness, I feel the exact same way!!

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