You are my sunshine, my only sunshine; You make me happy, when skies are gray; You'll never know dear, how much I love you; Please don't take my sunshine away...*
Lately I find myself having occasional visions of bad things that take me to a dark, fleeting place. Like I will suddenly envision myself losing Chickpea late in pregnancy or having only a short while to spend with him/her before they are gone from our lives like a distant memory. While I don't dwell on these morose thoughts, I must admit they cause me to pause and reflect a bit.
The reality is that jumping into 'parenthood' is by far the most simultaneously amazing yet terrifying thing a person could ever do. My excitement far exceeds any fear - and always will, I hope - but when you think about it, a lot of blind faith must be employed during such a journey. Mark and I have no control over what can, or will, happen, and when I allow myself to think about that too much, it's a little hard to breathe. I already feel such a scary strong love for Chickpea; I know this love will only multiply times a million once s/he is here with us.
The best thing I know how to do is enjoy and appreciate each moment as it comes. This pregnancy has taught me that while things aren't always easy, they are often much more beautiful that way. The twists, turns, and unknowns have a way of shaping a more wonderful story than one could have written on their own. I have a feeling being a mom to Chickpea will be much the same way.
And so, my promise to myself as a mama is this: I will take things one day at a time, thank God for each day we are given, and never, ever take any of it for granted. No matter what may come, it will undoubtedly have been worth it.
*Growing up, my nickname was 'Sunshine' and my mom would sing this song to me. It wasn't until much, much later in life that I realized how touching and somber the lyrics really are. I guess you could say this song from my childhood perfectly reflects my feelings on the subject of this post.